Super Duper Party Troopers and Ferrets on Steroids

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In a previous post, I mentioned my complete lack of humor during my first trimester. While mostly true, it’s not 100% true. There were two things that never failed to brighten my day:

  1. The Super Duper Party Troopers

    The first time I flipped to the station while this was playing, I began to think about how adults who perform for children can be really gung-ho about it…and while watching these guys sing and dance about ants in their pants I thought, “wow, these guys are really going for it and holding nothing back. Wait…is this real?” And then it turned out to be a PSA. But holy moly did that sung get stuck in my head. I looked it up on YouTube and would listen to it on loop. Unfortunately, I now kinda associate it with nausea because yay being nauseous all of the time…but it still brings a smile to my face to watch those dudes shimmy their shoulders.

  2. Man buys toy poodles, discovers they’re actually ferrets on steroids
    poodle-ferret-lg (1)
    Just read the story. Seriously. I can’t even say anything about it because I laugh too hard every time I just look at the photo that accompanies every article. But really…those poor ferrets.

Dear Pipsqueak

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(Inspired by Waitress, a letter to my unborn child.)

Dear Pipsqueak,

I was blessed to have a very good childhood. We weren’t rich but I never wanted for anything. My parents loved me and supported me. I had fun, friends, and minimal tragedy. I worry that I won’t be able to offer you the same thing.

I read these news stories and commentaries and personal essays, about how my generation is so angst-filled because we don’t live as well as our parents. We grew up being told we could do anything. Isn’t a part of the American dream to do better than our parents? Wasn’t that our parents’ dream?

I don’t know if I can live up to that. I probably won’t be able to afford to send you to private school. Your computers may always be a little slow, our cars a little beat up. We may shop at thrift stores out of need instead of choice.

The only thing I can assure you is that you’ll be loved. You were an accident but you were not a mistake. I knew that even the moment I saw those two lines and fell apart on the floor. I cried in a way I’ve only cried a couple of times in my life. Each tear burned in me a reminder of all of my weaknesses and failures. I didn’t think I was strong enough to keep you. And maybe I’m not. But I will try and I will love you.

My love may be imperfect but it will never waiver. I won’t always say the right thing or hug you the right way. But I will try. I will try to never push you away or hold you too tightly. I will try to show you the world without being too cynical. I will try to hold your hand without molding you into my vision of what you should be. Sometimes I will fail. I hope you will forgive me.

You are blessed to have an army of people who already love you, who are ready to help me to fill your life with laughter and beauty and art. I pray it will be enough because it’s all I have to offer.

All my love,
Me.

Questions Every Mom-To-Be Is Tired Of Answering

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I haven’t had to deal with most of these yet…and most of them won’t bother me even if I hear them 10 times a day. But word on the street (and from what I’ve witnessed happen to other women) is that for the last two months, I will hear the, “Are you still pregnant?!” question 10 times a day, just slightly less often than I will hear, “You look like you’re ready to pop!”

Video courtesy of Buzzfeed.

Movie and a Baby: Waitress

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Dr. Jim Pomatter
So… What seems to be the problem?

Jenna Hunterson
Well, I seem to be pregnant.

Dr. Jim Pomatter
Good. Good for you. Congratulations.

Jenna Hunterson
Thanks, but I don’t want this baby.

Dr. Jim Pomatter
Oh, well, we don’t perform… uh…

Jenna Hunterson
No, I’m keeping it, I’m just telling you I’m not so happy about it, like everybody else might be. So maybe you can be sensitive and not congratulate me and make a big deal every time you see me. I’m having the baby, and that’s that. It’s not a party, though.

Dr. Jim Pomatter
Got it, okay, not a party.

Waitress tells the story a Jenna, a young pie-making genius working as a waitress in a pie diner and stuck in a terrible marriage. She finds her plans to escape from her deadbeat husband thwarted by the discovery that she is pregnant with his child.

Needless to say (perhaps), this was an awkward movie choice for me to pop into the DVD while chilling with my boyfriend mere days after I’d reluctantly decided to become a mother. I warned him it was an awkward choice. But it was Pi Day! I can’t let a Pi Day go by without watching Waitress, since it is one of my favorite movies. I watched it all of the time when I first moved to Cincy and it fueled my obsession with making pies.

I fell asleep during the movie as I tend to do right now but it was less troubling to watch than I thought. My boyfriend even enjoyed it. The important thing I gleaned from the experience was that no matter how miserable my pregnancy might be (semi-spoiler alert!) it will all be worth it when I look into my little pipsqueak’s eyes for the first time. (Assuming the kid has eyes. I’m already at that phase of imagining any and everything that can go wrong with the kid.)

A Field Guide to the Impossible-to-Dress Pregnant Body (from Jezebel.com)

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A Field Guide to the Impossible-to-Dress Pregnant Body (from Jezebel.com)

The recent fascination with Kim Kardashian’s maternity wardrobe, and the media’s general fixation on pre- and post-baby bodies in general, has got me thinking that most people really have no f***ing clue about the journey a woman’s body takes during and after pregnancy.

Not a Baby Bump or What They Don’t Tell You About Being Pregnant

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Nobody’s More Bitter Than Ex-Gymnasts

Young girl: How old are you?
22 year-old girl: I’m 22.
Young girl: And you’re pregnant!
22 year-old girl: No I’m not.
Young girl: Why do you have a big belly then?
22 year-old girl: Well you know, when you’re my age, hormonal and stuff, you’ll get fat. People will think you’re pregnant when you’re not, and you’ll cry. So you’ll eat tons of salads to make the belly disappear but it won’t work and you’ll be sad. That’s all life’s about. Don’t grow up.

–A Train

Overheard by: Violette

So…I look pregnant. Considering the fact that I tend to gain weight in my belly, this is not the first time that I have looked pregnant. But this is the first time that I’ve looked pregnant while actually being pregnant because this is the first time I’ve been pregnant. The problem is that you’re still not seeing my baby bump; that’s still just fat.

While my adult life has pretty much consisted of me trying to not ever get pregnant, I slipped up. (Who knew that highly effective ≠ 100% effective?! Thanks morning after pill!) But I’m trying to keep a positive attitude. People keep telling me that having kids is a lot of fun. We shall see!

What I’m here to do right now, though, is to tell you what’s not fun: sex. Just kidding. Totally fun, but don’t do it. Pregnancy isn’t fun. At least my first trimester has been pretty much the opposite of fun. Now that I am transitioning into my second trimester, things have gotten a little better but not much.

I consider myself to be a pretty informed/educated person but there are a number of things that no one has ever told me about pregnancy and I am going to share them with you now although the majority of people who are reading this have probably been through this whole pregnancy thing already. This is mostly for the rest of you. Consider this my cautionary tale.

However, I think it’s important to note (as all of the helpful books and internet articles do) that every pregnancy is different. Pregnancy is different for different women and each pregnancy is different even within the same woman. So this is just my experience. Take it with a grain of salt and your birth control pills.

  1. Even if you do not throw up, nausea will rule your life. I am considered lucky because I have not vomited once. But do you know how often I felt nauseated? All of the time. It is a terrible feeling to constantly feel on the verge of throwing up. A lot of women lose weight during their first trimester because of nausea. Not me. I gained a bunch of weight. You know what happened when I got hungry? I felt more nauseous. The only way to keep the nausea at bay was to eat all of the time. But not too much or I would get indigestion which was sometimes worse than the nausea.
  2. You will want to sleep all of the time. I averaged around 14 hours of sleep. I know, it sounds like heaven! But it’s actually hell when you’re supposed to be job hunting or taking care of other responsibilities or, you know, spending time with your friends, and instead you’re sitting on your couch, drooling onto your laptop.
  3. You will be angry. All of the time. The job I do currently have requires that I be friendly to people. This is difficult to do when all I wanted to do was rip off the head of any and every person standing in between me and food and/or sleep. Worse than the fake smiling was the fake laughing. Someone would make a really witty comment or a really funny joke and I would not feel inclined to laugh. I would laugh so as to not appear as a cold, humorless you-know-what. There will be no laughter in your heart. NONE.
  4. When I was a freshman in high school, I liked to don this weird accent and ask people, “Are you constipated?” For someone reason I found this hilarious. If you asked me today, “Are you constipated?” I would punch you in the face. Punching someone in the face is pregnant for “yes.”
  5. There will be pain. Cramps are one of the first symptoms of pregnancy. If you’re used to period cramps, this will be a familiar pain. If you’re used to having period cramps for a month straight, congratulations! This will be a cake walk for you. For me? It was awful. Fortunately, the cramps eventually went away but were kindly replaced by a different pelvic pain! Basically, every one of my pelvic muscles feels like it ran a marathon without any training or even stretching beforehand. This is common. For some women it’s just a mild throb. For some women it’s a sharp stabbing. It’s a result of all of those muscles softening to make room for the little vagina-burster that’s growing in my womb. The pain is most intense when getting up from the seated position, standing up, walking, sleeping, or sitting down. So it pretty much hurts all of the time.
  6. You will poop while delivering your baby. No, this has nothing to do with the first trimester. I had not heard of this pooping during delivery thing until last year…but now that I’m pregnant, every person, book, and internet article seems to want me to be sure that I know that a room full of strangers is going to see me unintentionally poop. So I want to make sure you too will not be caught unawares.

So, yeah. I’m knocked up.