Nobody’s More Bitter Than Ex-Gymnasts

Young girl: How old are you?
22 year-old girl: I’m 22.
Young girl: And you’re pregnant!
22 year-old girl: No I’m not.
Young girl: Why do you have a big belly then?
22 year-old girl: Well you know, when you’re my age, hormonal and stuff, you’ll get fat. People will think you’re pregnant when you’re not, and you’ll cry. So you’ll eat tons of salads to make the belly disappear but it won’t work and you’ll be sad. That’s all life’s about. Don’t grow up.

–A Train

Overheard by: Violette

So…I look pregnant. Considering the fact that I tend to gain weight in my belly, this is not the first time that I have looked pregnant. But this is the first time that I’ve looked pregnant while actually being pregnant because this is the first time I’ve been pregnant. The problem is that you’re still not seeing my baby bump; that’s still just fat.

While my adult life has pretty much consisted of me trying to not ever get pregnant, I slipped up. (Who knew that highly effective ≠ 100% effective?! Thanks morning after pill!) But I’m trying to keep a positive attitude. People keep telling me that having kids is a lot of fun. We shall see!

What I’m here to do right now, though, is to tell you what’s not fun: sex. Just kidding. Totally fun, but don’t do it. Pregnancy isn’t fun. At least my first trimester has been pretty much the opposite of fun. Now that I am transitioning into my second trimester, things have gotten a little better but not much.

I consider myself to be a pretty informed/educated person but there are a number of things that no one has ever told me about pregnancy and I am going to share them with you now although the majority of people who are reading this have probably been through this whole pregnancy thing already. This is mostly for the rest of you. Consider this my cautionary tale.

However, I think it’s important to note (as all of the helpful books and internet articles do) that every pregnancy is different. Pregnancy is different for different women and each pregnancy is different even within the same woman. So this is just my experience. Take it with a grain of salt and your birth control pills.

  1. Even if you do not throw up, nausea will rule your life. I am considered lucky because I have not vomited once. But do you know how often I felt nauseated? All of the time. It is a terrible feeling to constantly feel on the verge of throwing up. A lot of women lose weight during their first trimester because of nausea. Not me. I gained a bunch of weight. You know what happened when I got hungry? I felt more nauseous. The only way to keep the nausea at bay was to eat all of the time. But not too much or I would get indigestion which was sometimes worse than the nausea.
  2. You will want to sleep all of the time. I averaged around 14 hours of sleep. I know, it sounds like heaven! But it’s actually hell when you’re supposed to be job hunting or taking care of other responsibilities or, you know, spending time with your friends, and instead you’re sitting on your couch, drooling onto your laptop.
  3. You will be angry. All of the time. The job I do currently have requires that I be friendly to people. This is difficult to do when all I wanted to do was rip off the head of any and every person standing in between me and food and/or sleep. Worse than the fake smiling was the fake laughing. Someone would make a really witty comment or a really funny joke and I would not feel inclined to laugh. I would laugh so as to not appear as a cold, humorless you-know-what. There will be no laughter in your heart. NONE.
  4. When I was a freshman in high school, I liked to don this weird accent and ask people, “Are you constipated?” For someone reason I found this hilarious. If you asked me today, “Are you constipated?” I would punch you in the face. Punching someone in the face is pregnant for “yes.”
  5. There will be pain. Cramps are one of the first symptoms of pregnancy. If you’re used to period cramps, this will be a familiar pain. If you’re used to having period cramps for a month straight, congratulations! This will be a cake walk for you. For me? It was awful. Fortunately, the cramps eventually went away but were kindly replaced by a different pelvic pain! Basically, every one of my pelvic muscles feels like it ran a marathon without any training or even stretching beforehand. This is common. For some women it’s just a mild throb. For some women it’s a sharp stabbing. It’s a result of all of those muscles softening to make room for the little vagina-burster that’s growing in my womb. The pain is most intense when getting up from the seated position, standing up, walking, sleeping, or sitting down. So it pretty much hurts all of the time.
  6. You will poop while delivering your baby. No, this has nothing to do with the first trimester. I had not heard of this pooping during delivery thing until last year…but now that I’m pregnant, every person, book, and internet article seems to want me to be sure that I know that a room full of strangers is going to see me unintentionally poop. So I want to make sure you too will not be caught unawares.

So, yeah. I’m knocked up.