It’s a Girl! Mwahahaha

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The day we were all waiting for finally arrived. I patiently ooed and awwed over the various developing limbs and organs of my little Pipsqueak as the technician attacked my belly with her ultrasound wound. She knew what we were really there, though, typing “It’s a Girl!!!!!” as she took a still of the image focused on the area between the Pipsqueak’s legs. I am hoping this is the only such photo of my daughter in that position that will ever be existence.

I had hoped for a daughter, which meant I thought I was having a son. I bet it was a boy but prayed it would be a girl. When I was first pregnant, the child who came to me in flashes when I showered, and laid awake at night attempting to sleep was a little girl. So I think in a way I always knew and I always loved her. 

I am still plagued by all of the typical worries that something will go wrong, that it is prideful of me to think that everything will be okay. But in my heart I know they will. I know God made her for me and me for her and that no matter how much of a screw-up I may be, she will be loved and cared for always.

The Biggest Fear

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On Mother’s Day, PostSecret appropriately posted a number of mother related secrets. Here are my thoughts on one of them.


We all saw Pretty in Pink and we know the more extreme stories: mothers who abandon their families, mothers who leave crying babies on doorsteps, mothers who abuse their children. We don’t talk about the less extreme, the mothers who tough it out but don’t really like it.

For years, I’ve heard the whispers of these mothers on the internet. They quietly wonder why no one talks about the days when they wish someone would take their baby or child away. They reluctantly admit that they sometimes wonder what their lives would have been like if they had remained unencumbered and free. And how quickly they are condemned by those mothers who maybe didn’t want kids but whose entire lives were changed for the better once they did.

This is one of my fears: resenting my child. I don’t think I will suffer the way this mother suffers but I wonder what moments will arise, what moments of selfishness. How many times will I break down in tears because I won’t be able to get the baby to stop crying? How many nights out with my friends will I have to pass up? How many dreams will I have to finally pull the life support plug on?

The movie Riding in Cars with Boys is a movie based on the memoir of Beverly D’Onofrio, the story of how she went from being a teenage mother in the ’60s to a successful editor and writer. Watching the movie, which has quite a few major differences from the book, I always felt a kinship with the Beverly character as played by Drew Barrymore. She was headstrong, creative, ambitious, and selfish. The mistakes she made were mistakes that I could see myself making.

*SPOILER ALERT* Throughout the film, we see the negative impacts that Beverly’s ambition and selfishness have on her son’s life. At the climax of the film, he, now a young college aged-man says to his mother:

… it’s my fault. I’m what went wrong in your life. You know, you wrote a book about it.

A bit later, she responds with:

I want to make something clear. I don’t think I would’ve been better off without you. You are not what went wrong with anything. You were what saved me. I want to thank you for that. Okay?

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life that have torpedoed any dreams I once may have had of what my life would look like. Any problems and failures in my life are my own fault. I don’t want to treat my Pipsqueak as my saviour (I already have one of those) but I don’t want to make the same mistake Beverly did. I hope my self-awareness is enough to protect us both from that urge.

The Reluctant Mothers

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This is the happy ending we pray for.

Courtesy of PostSecret’s Mother’s Day postcards.

Frequently Asked Questions About My Pregnancy, Part I

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I’ve already posted a funny video about FAQ most pregnant women face. Here are answers to the most frequently asked questions I currently get asked.

Are you excited? Sometimes. This is the most common question I get and it feels awkward to not just say yes, which is what people want to hear. I am very much looking forward to meeting and being a mother to my kid. Right now I’m more concerned with figuring out how I’m going to take care of the kid.

Was this planned? No.

Are you [and the dad] moving in together?/Are you getting married? No.

Is there anything you need? There are sooo many things I need but feel free to just offer me a cookie.

Do you get morning sickness? Why do we still call it that when we all know it’s not just in the morning? I spent the better part of 2 months feeling incredibly nauseous nearly all of the time but I never threw up.

How far along are you? Obviously, the answer to this question changes every day but I am due on November 1.

Will you breastfeed? I plan to but you know what they say about the best laid plans… I’ve heard stories from women who were unable to for a number of reasons so in general I’m trying to not set myself up for disappointment.

Will you find out the sex? Yes, as soon as I can. There are enough unknowns, I’ll take all of the information I can get.

Have you picked out names? Yes, I have a boy name and a girl name but it’s still entirely possible for dad and I to change our minds by the time the pipsqueak is born.

What’s it like being pregnant? It sucks. I want to get rich just so I can fund research the allow fetuses to be grown in artificial uteri so no one else has to go through this. (I’m kinda sorta kidding. But being pregnant is difficult.)