Dear Pipsqueak

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(Inspired by Waitress, a letter to my unborn child.)

Dear Pipsqueak,

I was blessed to have a very good childhood. We weren’t rich but I never wanted for anything. My parents loved me and supported me. I had fun, friends, and minimal tragedy. I worry that I won’t be able to offer you the same thing.

I read these news stories and commentaries and personal essays, about how my generation is so angst-filled because we don’t live as well as our parents. We grew up being told we could do anything. Isn’t a part of the American dream to do better than our parents? Wasn’t that our parents’ dream?

I don’t know if I can live up to that. I probably won’t be able to afford to send you to private school. Your computers may always be a little slow, our cars a little beat up. We may shop at thrift stores out of need instead of choice.

The only thing I can assure you is that you’ll be loved. You were an accident but you were not a mistake. I knew that even the moment I saw those two lines and fell apart on the floor. I cried in a way I’ve only cried a couple of times in my life. Each tear burned in me a reminder of all of my weaknesses and failures. I didn’t think I was strong enough to keep you. And maybe I’m not. But I will try and I will love you.

My love may be imperfect but it will never waiver. I won’t always say the right thing or hug you the right way. But I will try. I will try to never push you away or hold you too tightly. I will try to show you the world without being too cynical. I will try to hold your hand without molding you into my vision of what you should be. Sometimes I will fail. I hope you will forgive me.

You are blessed to have an army of people who already love you, who are ready to help me to fill your life with laughter and beauty and art. I pray it will be enough because it’s all I have to offer.

All my love,
Me.

Movie and a Baby: Waitress

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Dr. Jim Pomatter
So… What seems to be the problem?

Jenna Hunterson
Well, I seem to be pregnant.

Dr. Jim Pomatter
Good. Good for you. Congratulations.

Jenna Hunterson
Thanks, but I don’t want this baby.

Dr. Jim Pomatter
Oh, well, we don’t perform… uh…

Jenna Hunterson
No, I’m keeping it, I’m just telling you I’m not so happy about it, like everybody else might be. So maybe you can be sensitive and not congratulate me and make a big deal every time you see me. I’m having the baby, and that’s that. It’s not a party, though.

Dr. Jim Pomatter
Got it, okay, not a party.

Waitress tells the story a Jenna, a young pie-making genius working as a waitress in a pie diner and stuck in a terrible marriage. She finds her plans to escape from her deadbeat husband thwarted by the discovery that she is pregnant with his child.

Needless to say (perhaps), this was an awkward movie choice for me to pop into the DVD while chilling with my boyfriend mere days after I’d reluctantly decided to become a mother. I warned him it was an awkward choice. But it was Pi Day! I can’t let a Pi Day go by without watching Waitress, since it is one of my favorite movies. I watched it all of the time when I first moved to Cincy and it fueled my obsession with making pies.

I fell asleep during the movie as I tend to do right now but it was less troubling to watch than I thought. My boyfriend even enjoyed it. The important thing I gleaned from the experience was that no matter how miserable my pregnancy might be (semi-spoiler alert!) it will all be worth it when I look into my little pipsqueak’s eyes for the first time. (Assuming the kid has eyes. I’m already at that phase of imagining any and everything that can go wrong with the kid.)